Blood

It doesn't matter.
Every Month
Feels the same physically
Emotions vary

one month I'm happy
Too happy. I explode with thrilling smiles

Another I cry. Shed tears like hairs everyday
When I see an old man buy an iPod for his wife.

A month later I'm yelling at you
For eating too loudly
you don't want to be around me
I'm lousy

Then again 30 days pass
I have no energy
And you could be getting married
And my mom could die.
I wouldn't care until 7 days later.

The blood stops and I am back to normal.

I would rather have a penis.

A story

FIrst a quick little blurb about what happened to me today. My brother and I went into Barnes and Noble today and read the start of a book together. It was a really awesome book btw. As we were leaving, my brother wanted to talk to the nook salesman because that was his old job. So he talked away and this kid came along and was playing on one of the nooks. He was an obnoxious kid talking about zelda, manga and then witnessing to us a little bit about Judah the Lion who is Jesus. (I didn't know that; funny how I knew about aslan though) Anyway, as we were leaving to make a phone call to mortgage guy, Kent, we bade farewell to our little 8 year old friend. He waved to my brother, but when he said goodbye to me, he took me by the hand and kissed it saying, "Farewell fond maiden." That made my day.  I want to cry at how special that simple act made me feel. Maybe because it was coming from someone so innocent or Maybe he does that to every girl that he meets, I don't know, but what I do know is that small act was so important to me.  That takes so much courage.

I want to write a story, but it seems like the only stories that I can come up with are love stories; they are all I can think about. Those fantasies of love that gather in my head but have no real place in reality. Like movies. All of the love stories seem so untrue. I guess that is why they are media. The bible is media, but tons and tons of people believe in Christ. The Koran is media, but tons of people believe in that. I don't know. I wish that more people would believe in love stories. Then they would have the same disappoint in believing in a faith I guess. It's all a delusion. I like living in the now and what is happening in front of my face by making choices. This is what I believe, but it is so hard for to forget all of my fantasies. I really can create my own love story if I so choose. That can happen with any guy really, but then when it becomes a reality I find out that he does not suit my fantasy. Oh it is a twisted conundrum. One that I think I enjoy living daily.

My story was forgotten in thought.

Barbie

I saw barbie today
Real life
Huge tits
Nice ass
Beautiful eyes
I saw barbie as it should be in a Picture

She's got this boyfriend Ken
A beef cake. The kind of man you want to bite into purposefully playful.
And Many jobs; I didn't know she was so talented
Graduating from vet school, and technical school and then also having a trust fund.
She's has all the latest tights, striped jackets, polka dot pullovers
Shoes... She walks miles, new pair each step.

Thing is.
She's in a box.

Offspring

Happy accidents.

There was a car crash off of Rt 322.
What an accident.
4 car pile up with a tractor trailer of oil
Involved in an explosion killing 4 people.
Heaven?

My cousin is thirsty.
Her favorite drink is milk
And she opens the fridge
pours milk from gallon.
Being only 9 it's too heavy
White juice covers the floor, her clothes, the counters
As my aunt sprays anger everywhere
"It was an accident."

David wakes up and starts crying.
The snake monster was chasing him
He couldn't get away, but was relieved
To be back in his room.
"MOM" but she is out to dinner.
Kelly runs quickly to the room noticing the wet stain on the bed
"It's okay, accidents happen" as she removes the foul sheets.

In the gut, next to the intestines, near the bladder
there is a small human being
leaching to her umbilical cord
Feeding life into this creature.
A happy accident
But a sad new mother.

happi

ness- suffix which makes something a noun
mon- slang term for man
ster- denotating a person having a particular quality
cow- mammal who produces milk to its young and the masses
boys- male children
ass- a buttocks; a donkey
i- me or you depending on the point of view
nation- group of people under one government rule
con- to trick someone into doing something
nectar- just because it tastes sweet
tion- and we're forming more nouns who have certain -sters

I wrote this.

Home

It's funny how even the wording of blogger.com is funny. When I signed in it said I was home.

Right now I do not have a home. It's scary, but thrilling.

Right Now I don't even have a job. It's freedom, but pending doom.

My best option?

Idk.

I feel like I want something solid in my life right now. THat is why I like joe again. He is a solid fantasy. Something that is completely intangible except for in my mind. I want to do so many things with my life. But I want a job first. But I want a home first. But I want blah blah blah. So part of the american culture is saying that I should just drop everything and do it. Just go for your dreams. Frankly my dreams are irrealistic. I meant to spell it that way too.

Unfortunately. I do not know if I actually like joe or I am going through so many changes that he is just a solid part of my life. It's probably one of those many foggy areas I have when it comes to interactions with other people.

I think that I spend too much time thinking that people are deep and have ulterior motives because I know that I do and this is why I project these things onto others. Nothing is ever simple with me. I think that makes me a bit neurotic. Like even right now I am over analyzing the simplicity of a phrase that sifted into my head, "I like to write" My over analysis says, be a writer, no you shouldn't you are not good enough, yes you are, when you write, if you can even get through this page. No one wants to read it anyway. So you're just writing for you, oh how cliche. This internal dialogue persistently nags at me like a cat loves you right before you are about to feed her. And she loves you so much, she rubs your leg and mews the sweetest mews until she gets old and can't mew anymore she just has a 'gravel' voice, but she will always have those sweet eyes looking up at you until she goes blind, but when she goes blind she isn't even hungry anymore because she is going to die anyway. That's what this nagging is in my head. Because I have this inner voice, I assume everyone does. So I don't like talking to people a lot because of the inner dialogue and ulterior motives. I can't just think someone is simple.

I have warts. 1 on my hand and I found another on my foot. FUCK> HPV virus. I am tainted and gross now. I want them to go away. Grr. Nothing gets rid of them so I am trying duct tape.

Wish me luck and less thought.

Low

I have feelings of low self worth right now.
I am a good person, but I don't leave the house.
I don't leave the house because I don't feel worth it.
I don't feel worth it because I don't leave the house.
It is kind of this vicious cycle.
The outside world could harm me very badly.
Therefore I am unwilling to leave the house.
But inside the house is slowly hurting me by damaging
My self worth.
The internet is not helping my self worth either.
I look for jobs.
Apply
Send resume
Send cover letter.
Send my hope.
Only to not here back from anyone.
Like I don't exist even on the internet.
Which is kind of funny because there is so much on here nowadays.
That I quite literally don't exist.
Only to me
And I am unwilling to even share anything else with anyone.

It seems like I like to start a new line whenever I feel like it. This makes for a "poem"
I shouldn't even categorize this as a poem.
It's just a bunch of babble where I am telling and not SHOWing
Let me try to show you.
Picture me as a creature with a long tail, tiny ears, little hands and quick.
I search for food.
I search and search and search.
I might even find this food.
So I find this food and eat it.
This is my life and I am content.
Problem is I am not just an animal because I have emotions.
Sure we have a million years of evolution and we are still animals sylvia,
but we have all these emotions and don't know what to do with them.
We decided we had to communicate.
This expression led to more things than i would like to handle being
A small creature with a long tail, tiny ears, little hands and quick.
I have no qualities to live how I can express that I want to live.
Let's delve further.
I have the potential and qualities, but I don't have the means of obtaining.
a. money
b. my thoughts
c. my inherent survival need is not being fulfilled.

Shit. I need to get my needs fulfilled.