Nausea

I have felt a little bit of sickness all day today. Nausea. Tonight I actually vomited. 4 times. I have pains in my stomach and I have my period. All of these things culminating are not pleasant at all. I forgot about my ankle being messed up too. LIke I pulled a muscle in my foot or seomthing. It hurts. I hurt all over.

Oh well. This too shall pass.

I am embarking on the journey to south carolina tomorrow and I am a little nervous. I guess I should be. At the same time, I'm not at all and I don't care almost. I find that I am not nervous about getting a job. I am not nervous about anything right now. I should be. I think I will write a narrative poem.

I don't feel like it. Writing a poem. I don't feel like journaling. I'm becoming numb again. :/ concerning. I think it is partly because I feel so sick though. I want to lie in bed all day. oh no.

Think sick

So my body is thinking I am sick producing extra mucous.
My mind thinks my head hurts.
My heart thinks that having fun is great and instant, but not meaningful.
My feet thinks its too cold for spring
My hands think this typing is pointless.
My elbows know this table is too hard.
My eyes think that the lights are bright shining off the leaves.
My mouth thinks it chews too slow.
My stomach thinks this food is delicious.
My teeth hates how good food cause cavities.
I'm thinking sick

Anger

I am so angry right now I could just sit here and muster about being angry. My anger is directed towards my mother. She was cleaning my room and wouldn't you know it found my purse that had pot in it. I hate her. DON"T GO THROUGH MY FUCKING STUFF BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A PART OF THAT PART OF MY LIFE YOU SNOOPER YOU. I do not want to call my mother any harsh names because in the end I know she loves me, but honestly do I want to have a grown up friendship who snoops through my things?

If she would ever mention that to me in any way, I think I would tell her I know she was snooping on me and I do not appreciate that as a grown up making choices of my own.

I know that she wasn't snooping either. She was cleaning and probably stumbled upon something she didn't want to find. oh well.

I am so pissed right now and I don't know how to calm down. There are parts to my life that I can't share with you because I know that if I did you would judge me. If you didn't judge me then you would pester me with check your blind spot... and I love that part about you it is just with certain things it is better that you don't know for your own good.

I would never tell you who I have sex with because we don't have that kind of relationship. some moms and daughters do. we don't.

I just need to accept it and move on with more caution.

Writing

I have all these ideas for writing and I will start them. I will start the first couple paragraphs. Then I will not write anymore. I think there was this learned behavior that I told myself I am not good enough to write a story, so I have not written a story since that time. I need to keep telling myself to finish shit. If I do not keep telling myself that then I will not finish anything I start.

Seriously, I tell myself I should just do it because i have these thoughts where I do finish things, but when it comes down to it, part of me believes something different. I almost don't believe in stories unless they are real. Weird I know. I grew up loving fiction and fantasy, but now that I have grown up fake stories, even realistic fiction are stupid. I know that alot of realistic fiction tries to teach a lesson, but I always think that the lesson I have to teach is stupid because everyone already knows that lesson. I think the truth is that people do not know the lessons now that I think about. Some people can't put into words the lessons that I know and can describe.


Well until next time, remember to tell yourself to just do it. alright hunny?

Done

Poem

Well I'm not completely

Because
My hands are still typing
And the paper needs some middle portions
I am not dead yet
The dishes still need to be washed
I have go on a date with Josh
Kiss Anne and Tina before
I need to finish that book
Move to South Carolina
Have lover, husband or partnership
Surf the SC waves
There is that story I needed to finish
The boy I needed to kiss
Clothes that needed purchasing
Because Well I'm not completely

Done.

Feeling worth it

Lately, I have not been feeling worth the life I have.

I used to think that life had this grand scheme planned out for me. That I would do something worth something to somebody or group of people. I don't know my thoughts anymore except that I don't feel like I could contribute anything substantial. This way of thinking really gets me down in the basement with the water heater and the electric box, but everything has it's place. Even this sadness and worthlessness in the basement of my emotions has it's place.  Sometimes I just don't know my place because I can't meet every person and I can't.

Why can't I meet every person? Who says that I can't fly around the world and meet the population? What about if it is just US?

being average is being perfect biologically and genetically :)

I'm a little random tonight.