Sexits

There are 11 male teachers at this school.

There are 70 teachers total at the school.

Ms. G works tirelessly

Going through a separation,

Maintaining her expectations,

She's the pinnacle of integration.

Loving each kid in her small nation.

The classroom shines, and so does she.

Ms. C works one on one

To make math "fun"

From the mouth's of tweenage son

"She makes class great for everyone."

It's her determination

To change and shape the future nation.

The classroom radiates, and so does she.

Mr. S sits at his computer.

He smiles and watches the laughter

It's his first year, amateur

Get out your cell phones, he told her.

But It's not allowed, sir!

The classroom's turbid, and so is he.

There are 11 male teachers at this school.

There are 70 teachers total.

There were three TOY candidates.

Guess who won?

Shining is not the one.

Radiating is not the one.

Murky, and soiled, he won.

Dear Christina,

Why I am mad at myself is because I am responsible for my own happiness.

I am not happy and I don't know how to please myself.

If I don't even know how to please myself, how is someone else going to know how to please me.

He rescinded his notion of wanting to marry me or have babies with me.

Those things no longer apply maybe.  If this is the case, then I can't be with me for obvious reasons.

I don't understand companionship.

I hate everything.

I don't like work today.

I hate how fickle I am.

I hate myself.

IF I HATE MYSELF, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH MYSELF?

I can't shake this feeling either.

I can't do it.

OR I am trying but obviously failing miserably.

Love brielle

Taking it one day at a time.
Sure.
Great advice.
Advice to live by.
It is so hard to follow.
I have plans.
Plans on planes
They fly in so many different directions.
But I haven't figured out which ticket to buy
And I have created all the planes.
All the trips.
All the details.
And I can't fucking decide what I want.
If only I could just choose.
One.
I know that I would soar.
I am an achiever.
But before I am an achiever.
I am a worrier.
A contemplative person.
I might only have one brain.
But my brain creates all these paths.
Making them one day at a time.
Right.
Counter-productive paths.
Paths I could live by.
It is so hard to choose.
I have wants.
Wants like food.
Food I know I can't live without.
These desires are a strong pang of hunger.
And I have created all these wants.
All these delicious wants.
I might want them all.
But the problem is there is only one path.
One life.
One brain.
With too many possibilities.
It doesn't match up.

This is completely thoughtless writing.

I am a waste of life.

I do not change the world, but in negative ways.

Why am I here if I only affect earth to harm it?

Polluting it.

Sure I have a life, but life without humans would be better in general. The animal kingdom would prevail.

Does anyone else think like that? Like humans shouldn't exist because we mess it up. Similar to what was mentioned in The Matrix how humans are a virus.

God. I hate this right now. Fuck life.

Breast Feeding Moms.

Yes. I am like every individual out there. I want to suck on those titties. They're hot. Take those babies away. We don't need cow's milk anymore. Looks like these women are Mom enough for the hungry world. Mother's should unite and let the nation's hungry suck on the TEET of America.

This photo makes me proud of the tits and womb. Where endless babies will enter into the world.

In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

So you go to college to change the world

College or university
For everyone you could be
From farm territory
To all swag and city
This is such a pity
Putting your hopes up
Getting that degree
That cost much money
And we see you sitting
In new York city
Wall street
Not landing on your feet
After graduation
You no longer function
The jobs disappeared
But your fully geared
And I hate you
As I watch you
Thoughts of changing
The world isn't budging
We all want caching
To buy nice things
So our kids can go
To college
To change the world.

Awaiting Adonis

 Adonis has a brother
That brother is the looks of an effeminate Apollo
And the heart of Aries
Fire in his eyes when he isn't taken care of
The rage toward his brother 
Released in one motion, commotion
Contact with skin, feeling of sin
He climbs a tree looking for someone to love him
Awaiting Adonis.
Smyrna awaits rooted in her sources. Connected.
She cares for Adonis through the trees
And for his brother hugged with leaves
Passion transfers from the shade, blocking the rage-filled sun,
Passerbys chill from the sweat on their back
Reminded of a mother's worry and sorrow.
Awaiting Adonis
King Cinyras paces running his nation
Knowing his son is in high elevation 
Elation from the pain: medication.
In this there is sedation.
Concentration on his country
And then amongst his own needs
No back to his people and planning and staring
Walking in the sun looking out on their faces
He crosses under a tree and feels a chill.
Awaiting Adonis 

Fear

I have a fear that I will not do what I want to do with my life.

Dr. Nancy McGinley

Saw my former superintendent, Dr. Nancy McGinley in the my current workplace. First time I have ever seen her. It's kind of funny that I didn't see her at my old job.

 I wanted to give her a piece of my mind so badly.

She was looking at expensive technology to buy for personal use. I am surprised she has time to have a life working for CCSD. I know that I didn't have a life when I worked there.

When I saw her, I got so mad that I wanted tell her about North Charleston High and how terrible it is doing. It's failing the students there, but that is not because the teachers do not work hard, it it because the students fail themselves.

Geez I am angry right now. Making me quit the thing I wanted to do since I was a little girl because I did n't feel like I was worth anything. Maybe that is more personal though. It is not her fault. It's America's fault, but America is a collection of people so technically I contribute to all of the fault even if it not entirely my burden.

Blood

It doesn't matter.
Every Month
Feels the same physically
Emotions vary

one month I'm happy
Too happy. I explode with thrilling smiles

Another I cry. Shed tears like hairs everyday
When I see an old man buy an iPod for his wife.

A month later I'm yelling at you
For eating too loudly
you don't want to be around me
I'm lousy

Then again 30 days pass
I have no energy
And you could be getting married
And my mom could die.
I wouldn't care until 7 days later.

The blood stops and I am back to normal.

I would rather have a penis.

A story

FIrst a quick little blurb about what happened to me today. My brother and I went into Barnes and Noble today and read the start of a book together. It was a really awesome book btw. As we were leaving, my brother wanted to talk to the nook salesman because that was his old job. So he talked away and this kid came along and was playing on one of the nooks. He was an obnoxious kid talking about zelda, manga and then witnessing to us a little bit about Judah the Lion who is Jesus. (I didn't know that; funny how I knew about aslan though) Anyway, as we were leaving to make a phone call to mortgage guy, Kent, we bade farewell to our little 8 year old friend. He waved to my brother, but when he said goodbye to me, he took me by the hand and kissed it saying, "Farewell fond maiden." That made my day.  I want to cry at how special that simple act made me feel. Maybe because it was coming from someone so innocent or Maybe he does that to every girl that he meets, I don't know, but what I do know is that small act was so important to me.  That takes so much courage.

I want to write a story, but it seems like the only stories that I can come up with are love stories; they are all I can think about. Those fantasies of love that gather in my head but have no real place in reality. Like movies. All of the love stories seem so untrue. I guess that is why they are media. The bible is media, but tons and tons of people believe in Christ. The Koran is media, but tons of people believe in that. I don't know. I wish that more people would believe in love stories. Then they would have the same disappoint in believing in a faith I guess. It's all a delusion. I like living in the now and what is happening in front of my face by making choices. This is what I believe, but it is so hard for to forget all of my fantasies. I really can create my own love story if I so choose. That can happen with any guy really, but then when it becomes a reality I find out that he does not suit my fantasy. Oh it is a twisted conundrum. One that I think I enjoy living daily.

My story was forgotten in thought.

Barbie

I saw barbie today
Real life
Huge tits
Nice ass
Beautiful eyes
I saw barbie as it should be in a Picture

She's got this boyfriend Ken
A beef cake. The kind of man you want to bite into purposefully playful.
And Many jobs; I didn't know she was so talented
Graduating from vet school, and technical school and then also having a trust fund.
She's has all the latest tights, striped jackets, polka dot pullovers
Shoes... She walks miles, new pair each step.

Thing is.
She's in a box.

Offspring

Happy accidents.

There was a car crash off of Rt 322.
What an accident.
4 car pile up with a tractor trailer of oil
Involved in an explosion killing 4 people.
Heaven?

My cousin is thirsty.
Her favorite drink is milk
And she opens the fridge
pours milk from gallon.
Being only 9 it's too heavy
White juice covers the floor, her clothes, the counters
As my aunt sprays anger everywhere
"It was an accident."

David wakes up and starts crying.
The snake monster was chasing him
He couldn't get away, but was relieved
To be back in his room.
"MOM" but she is out to dinner.
Kelly runs quickly to the room noticing the wet stain on the bed
"It's okay, accidents happen" as she removes the foul sheets.

In the gut, next to the intestines, near the bladder
there is a small human being
leaching to her umbilical cord
Feeding life into this creature.
A happy accident
But a sad new mother.

happi

ness- suffix which makes something a noun
mon- slang term for man
ster- denotating a person having a particular quality
cow- mammal who produces milk to its young and the masses
boys- male children
ass- a buttocks; a donkey
i- me or you depending on the point of view
nation- group of people under one government rule
con- to trick someone into doing something
nectar- just because it tastes sweet
tion- and we're forming more nouns who have certain -sters

I wrote this.

Home

It's funny how even the wording of blogger.com is funny. When I signed in it said I was home.

Right now I do not have a home. It's scary, but thrilling.

Right Now I don't even have a job. It's freedom, but pending doom.

My best option?

Idk.

I feel like I want something solid in my life right now. THat is why I like joe again. He is a solid fantasy. Something that is completely intangible except for in my mind. I want to do so many things with my life. But I want a job first. But I want a home first. But I want blah blah blah. So part of the american culture is saying that I should just drop everything and do it. Just go for your dreams. Frankly my dreams are irrealistic. I meant to spell it that way too.

Unfortunately. I do not know if I actually like joe or I am going through so many changes that he is just a solid part of my life. It's probably one of those many foggy areas I have when it comes to interactions with other people.

I think that I spend too much time thinking that people are deep and have ulterior motives because I know that I do and this is why I project these things onto others. Nothing is ever simple with me. I think that makes me a bit neurotic. Like even right now I am over analyzing the simplicity of a phrase that sifted into my head, "I like to write" My over analysis says, be a writer, no you shouldn't you are not good enough, yes you are, when you write, if you can even get through this page. No one wants to read it anyway. So you're just writing for you, oh how cliche. This internal dialogue persistently nags at me like a cat loves you right before you are about to feed her. And she loves you so much, she rubs your leg and mews the sweetest mews until she gets old and can't mew anymore she just has a 'gravel' voice, but she will always have those sweet eyes looking up at you until she goes blind, but when she goes blind she isn't even hungry anymore because she is going to die anyway. That's what this nagging is in my head. Because I have this inner voice, I assume everyone does. So I don't like talking to people a lot because of the inner dialogue and ulterior motives. I can't just think someone is simple.

I have warts. 1 on my hand and I found another on my foot. FUCK> HPV virus. I am tainted and gross now. I want them to go away. Grr. Nothing gets rid of them so I am trying duct tape.

Wish me luck and less thought.

Low

I have feelings of low self worth right now.
I am a good person, but I don't leave the house.
I don't leave the house because I don't feel worth it.
I don't feel worth it because I don't leave the house.
It is kind of this vicious cycle.
The outside world could harm me very badly.
Therefore I am unwilling to leave the house.
But inside the house is slowly hurting me by damaging
My self worth.
The internet is not helping my self worth either.
I look for jobs.
Apply
Send resume
Send cover letter.
Send my hope.
Only to not here back from anyone.
Like I don't exist even on the internet.
Which is kind of funny because there is so much on here nowadays.
That I quite literally don't exist.
Only to me
And I am unwilling to even share anything else with anyone.

It seems like I like to start a new line whenever I feel like it. This makes for a "poem"
I shouldn't even categorize this as a poem.
It's just a bunch of babble where I am telling and not SHOWing
Let me try to show you.
Picture me as a creature with a long tail, tiny ears, little hands and quick.
I search for food.
I search and search and search.
I might even find this food.
So I find this food and eat it.
This is my life and I am content.
Problem is I am not just an animal because I have emotions.
Sure we have a million years of evolution and we are still animals sylvia,
but we have all these emotions and don't know what to do with them.
We decided we had to communicate.
This expression led to more things than i would like to handle being
A small creature with a long tail, tiny ears, little hands and quick.
I have no qualities to live how I can express that I want to live.
Let's delve further.
I have the potential and qualities, but I don't have the means of obtaining.
a. money
b. my thoughts
c. my inherent survival need is not being fulfilled.

Shit. I need to get my needs fulfilled.

Nausea

I have felt a little bit of sickness all day today. Nausea. Tonight I actually vomited. 4 times. I have pains in my stomach and I have my period. All of these things culminating are not pleasant at all. I forgot about my ankle being messed up too. LIke I pulled a muscle in my foot or seomthing. It hurts. I hurt all over.

Oh well. This too shall pass.

I am embarking on the journey to south carolina tomorrow and I am a little nervous. I guess I should be. At the same time, I'm not at all and I don't care almost. I find that I am not nervous about getting a job. I am not nervous about anything right now. I should be. I think I will write a narrative poem.

I don't feel like it. Writing a poem. I don't feel like journaling. I'm becoming numb again. :/ concerning. I think it is partly because I feel so sick though. I want to lie in bed all day. oh no.

Think sick

So my body is thinking I am sick producing extra mucous.
My mind thinks my head hurts.
My heart thinks that having fun is great and instant, but not meaningful.
My feet thinks its too cold for spring
My hands think this typing is pointless.
My elbows know this table is too hard.
My eyes think that the lights are bright shining off the leaves.
My mouth thinks it chews too slow.
My stomach thinks this food is delicious.
My teeth hates how good food cause cavities.
I'm thinking sick

Anger

I am so angry right now I could just sit here and muster about being angry. My anger is directed towards my mother. She was cleaning my room and wouldn't you know it found my purse that had pot in it. I hate her. DON"T GO THROUGH MY FUCKING STUFF BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A PART OF THAT PART OF MY LIFE YOU SNOOPER YOU. I do not want to call my mother any harsh names because in the end I know she loves me, but honestly do I want to have a grown up friendship who snoops through my things?

If she would ever mention that to me in any way, I think I would tell her I know she was snooping on me and I do not appreciate that as a grown up making choices of my own.

I know that she wasn't snooping either. She was cleaning and probably stumbled upon something she didn't want to find. oh well.

I am so pissed right now and I don't know how to calm down. There are parts to my life that I can't share with you because I know that if I did you would judge me. If you didn't judge me then you would pester me with check your blind spot... and I love that part about you it is just with certain things it is better that you don't know for your own good.

I would never tell you who I have sex with because we don't have that kind of relationship. some moms and daughters do. we don't.

I just need to accept it and move on with more caution.

Writing

I have all these ideas for writing and I will start them. I will start the first couple paragraphs. Then I will not write anymore. I think there was this learned behavior that I told myself I am not good enough to write a story, so I have not written a story since that time. I need to keep telling myself to finish shit. If I do not keep telling myself that then I will not finish anything I start.

Seriously, I tell myself I should just do it because i have these thoughts where I do finish things, but when it comes down to it, part of me believes something different. I almost don't believe in stories unless they are real. Weird I know. I grew up loving fiction and fantasy, but now that I have grown up fake stories, even realistic fiction are stupid. I know that alot of realistic fiction tries to teach a lesson, but I always think that the lesson I have to teach is stupid because everyone already knows that lesson. I think the truth is that people do not know the lessons now that I think about. Some people can't put into words the lessons that I know and can describe.


Well until next time, remember to tell yourself to just do it. alright hunny?